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M/F/L/G/B/T: mind your own dildo

Kim Raven investigates pigeonholes without pigeonholing that are restricting our sexual liberties, both inside and outside the LGBT-community 

In light of “stupid questions exist,” I would like to talk about lesbian sex and the conditioning surrounding it and all the stupid questions people ask me.

“Is that weird to ask?”

I don’t know if I equate “the lesbian woman,” but I think I can conclude that there are quite some half-witted questions that are presented to women who do other women, sometimes to the brink of irritation. I think the worst question is: “How do you have sex?” closely followed by “How does that work, scissoring?”

“At a random party, would you ask your best friend how he has sex with his girlfriend?”
“No.”
“No? Why not, that’s normal, right? Is that weird to ask?”
“Then why the hell would you ask me?

“How do you have sex?”

It does not concern you at all. Even if you ask real nice, I will definitely not answer that question, too bad for you, you dirty, filthy little excuse for a person. Look, I understand your curiosity, but you don’t hear me asking you how you have sex with your wife – or husband? That would be a weird, intimate question, right? Is it normal to ask that question? Apparently some people think it is – only when it comes to gay sex.

Perhaps I should do that, on a random, neat, middle-class, sitting-in-a-circle birthday – just a brief moment, like it’s no big deal, ask how you do your partner in bed. I should, however, for a change, ask the heterosexual couples.

Why does everyone always thinks it’s so normal to ask this? I’m not a prude by the way; I talk about sex with good friends, about what’s possible and what’s not, and I like to push the envelope.

Why the morbid fascination with scissoring?

Do you ever use a strap-on? Have you ever asked that to a heterosexual couple? No? You haven’t? How odd, it’s quite a normal question, isn’t it? Yes, you’re just curious, I get that, but no, I will not answer. Even your puppy eyes won’t work. And no, you can’t join in either – get lost.

Why the morbid fascination with scissoring? I don’t know where the idea has spawned that you should ask any lesbian woman if she scissors.

Use your fucking imagination

Of course, the question is a result of imaging from the porn-industry. In almost every heterosexual porn film where two women have sex, they tend to – how to put it nicely – chat with their pussy. I understand that, up to a certain point, the average straight guy is genuinely fascinated about whether or not is really happens like this. Average straight guy, you probably know the average body of a woman – I hope for your sake – just as well as I do, so you too can reflect and give an answer.

Do I hate pornography? No, of course not. But as you know, heterosexual sex in porn is not representative, why should that be any different with lesbian sex? Just pause and think for a moment, count to ten and ask yourself: is this something I would ask anybody? People that are not my friends? No? Then don’t ask the question.

If you still want an answer, use your fucking imagination. Watch a good lesbian porn and you watch how a woman has sex with another woman. Or, you know what, just do a websearch for “lesbian kamasutra,” because that’s also a possibility. But stay out of my private life and leave my bed alone.

This article first appeared in Dutch, translation by Jamili Wetzels.

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