After reading Hadjar’s column, a girlfriend of mine immediately realised that one of the examples given was about me – for which, by the way, I had given my permission. Of course I knew my particular example was problematic, but since Monday, it has become known as a form of rape in a national newspaper: a form of rape that some people – including myself – still have their doubts about.
Dear horny young dude-brain,
You couldn’t be blamed for any of it; you even continued to make snarky remarks. When I confronted you about it, you smirked: “Maybe you should think twice about whom you take home.” Maybe you were right, and I should’ve thought twice. Who on earth would invite a total stranger to stop by for the ol’ Netflix & Chill – in other words, to satisfy some sexual desires? It was kind of my fault, too, because I’d already agreed to the sex, under the condition that a condom would be tugged over that (let’s face it, pretty skinny) piece of meat, but oh well, moving on. But for the fact that the condom was consciously removed by you before the sex, without communicating it to me, only your horny young dude-brain was to blame – as you later pointed out, with a smirk.
Sweet and innocent
At that moment, you were nothing more than a sweet, innocent, horny young dude-brain, which only regained the power of thought after you had deposited, within a very short time, your sperm inside me. You were a sweet, innocent horny dude-brain, even when I became angry. In disbelief (did this really just happen?) I took you to task. How were you to know what kind of birth control I was using? How were you to know what dangerous diseases my body hosted? How were you to know that I would mind if you removed the condom without my permission? Yes, how were you to know any of this? You were just a sweet and innocent horny dude-brain.
Both English and Swiss legislation would have convicted you as a rapist. Poof, gone sweet, innocent horny dude-brain. The title “rapist” could not have justified your actions. Would I only have felt that I’d been raped if I’d lived in one of these countries, instead of merely feeling that my trust in your horny dude-brain had been shattered?
Am I hesitant to compare my situation with rape for fear of trivializing other, much more serious, common and more violent forms of rape—forms that I have no intention of downplaying in this article? Or am I shunning this comparison because I did consent to having sex? Would this comparison not apply to me because – in the words of the dude-brain – I should’ve been able to feel that he’d removed the condom? Sure, I’ve had sex without a condom a couple of times, after talking it over. I’m not that innocent. But still, this time felt different from all the others. Labelling it as rape, though? Various responses to the column in Metro tell me I’m not even entitled to this term. The only thing the horny dude-brain can be blamed for is being a total asshole.
Sex is something you do together
Dear assholular horny dude-brain, I guess I’ve been acting childish as well. My revenge was to tell you I’d contracted a serious VD for which I was receiving long-term treatment, hoping you would be upset and that it would be a wake-up call—woken up from disbelief, as I had been after this incident. But no, all I got was a half-assed “Good luck with that.” Still completely ignorant of the consequences of your actions.
Dear assholular horny dude-brain, this is a public service announcement to you and to all your fellow horny dude-brains. Sex is something you do together, and so is the consent that is needed from both sides. Here, consent can be seen as a process: a process during which you can’t change the rules on the fly (example: taking off the condom in secret). It’s a process that requires both parties to listen to one another all the time (example: lying in bed together and changing your mind: no means no). It’s a process that is built on mutual respect for one another.
This article first appeared in Dutch, translation by Jantine Broeks.
